This question threatens to take all you are and all you have away from you, doesn't it? It is the very question that we want no one to ask, especially God. When He asks to see the deepest, darkest part of us, the "who we really are,"we pull away and act like He doesn't already know 'cause it's too much. We don't even want to confess or let anyone see that. 'Cause it's not pretty, it's dirty, its messy, and it scares us. It's where we have shoved the ugly stuff that we don't know how to fix, the stuff that we fear. That is why we don't have that one desire we really want. We hide all our failures, pain, and maybe even a long-harbored dream that's just so ridiculous we can't have it being seen. So the question I am.asking you is: what are you hiding in your "who am I "dark spot?
For me its all the failing I have done in my life. Lost friends, relationships that didn't go as planned. The times when I couldn't even stand up straight. The dreams that as a kid and teen seemed viable and worth dreaming, but as an adult they make you laugh or maybe you don't have the time to do them anymore. The darkest thing for me, and I can't believe I am going to say it, has been never feeling worth anything, and the worst thing about it is that I have no reason to feel that way and still I do. I have an amazing family I have a lot of good friends. I have a warm house, I have a job, a car, a dog. But still my biggest fear is that I am not enough and if they see how scared I am, they will see that I have the heart of a porcelain doll. Then they will run away or pull away from me without looking back. And what's worse is, I feel like it's always my fault when they walk away.
If you look at all my insecurities, they all start with that "who am I? " question. When I hear those words, all I can feel and see is my face going white and my heart beating so fast. It's akin to hearing the words, "we need to talk" from your crush. Instant panic takes over and you can't really breathe. You're there but your heart is like, uh oh, he's not into me, I knew it. Here we go again. Another guy saw the dark. The "who am I? " is answered, he knows. He saw it. I am faking this. I am not good enough. Might as well go wipe off the makeup. The sweats go on and we pull the hair up in a messy ponytail . We think, "I have been found out." Another person sees the darkness. And my 'worth'? Well, he found out I have none. And we look at that face in the mirror that's been buried in our hands, crying for awhile. And all we see is the "who am I" answer its on our sleeve. It was discovered by someone else and they ran. Why shouldn't they run? It scares me, too.
Or it's the friend--we all have one--who seems to pull out of you that one thing you don't want to talk about. You're sitting there chatting about your lives over coffee and all of a sudden she asks, "How are you?" Now girls, we all know this friend. They ask this question and look at us in a way that makes us go, "um..." In your head you're going, "I have two choices here. I can answer and say 'I am great'. Or I can let it all out, but I don't wanna go there." You panic 'cause you can't really get away from the subject without that "who am I" question. It's back and it's staring at you. Its here in your face making you scared and ready to cry 'cause it's so ugly. You want to be brave and tell her you're not OK and share your heart, still being cautious and not letting the darkness out.
The last place you want the "who am I?" question? You're praying and you're saying how much you love Him. You're telling Him about how amazed you are by Him and how many blessings you see, along with the list of things that your heart is yearning for. You're about to say 'Amen' and you feel the tug of the Spirit. He's whispering, "Child, let me into the darkness." I have already covered that with My blood. Why are you hiding it? Your heart is yelling, "No, Lord, I don't think You do," knowing this whole time that He is right and He has forgiven and covered it all. You reluctantly pull back the curtain and let Him in and you think, now what? Is He going to leave me here in the darkness? But all you feel is the Father whispering, "Child, I know. I saw this. I saw it even before you were alive. I know every failure and the pain, the feelings of worthlessness. I am here always, my beautiful daughter."
Finally, you're there in tears saying, "Lord, why? How do you see past all of this? Why do You love me? Why me? I don't deserve You. I have done nothing worth mentioning. I fail every day, I do things that are against You. Why did You die for me? I'm scared, Lord. I have nothing to give You but this heart of broken pieces. Are you sure you want me? Others seem to run away with just a glimpse. You've seen it all." And all He says is, "I created you, child. I know all of this. You are worth it to Me. It is finished."
So, my dear young ladies, you can stand up and answer with confidence, "Who am I? I am a child of God! I am forgiven! I am a daughter of the King! I am beautiful and captivating to the Lord of Lords. I am chosen! I am His, and He is mine! I am worth dying for! I am worth it!
Ladies, go find a mirror and say all these things and let the tears flow and let the words wash the darkness away.
