My Adoption story ~

If you have known me for even a short time, you probably know that I am, in fact, adopted. When people find out, they have so many questions.  So today I would like to answer some of those questions . . . after I tell you my adoption story.

   My parents were foster parents at the time when I was born, licensed for 0-2 year olds. They had been fostering children or infants for several years. One day they got a call about a little preemie baby girl needing a foster home once she was released from the NICU. (My birth mother and father were choosing to give me up because of health and financial reasons.)  Of course my now parents said yes. A few days later they got a call from the social worker saying they would really like to place the baby with a family interested in adoption so the bonding process could begin right away. My parents, who had been praying for another child for eight years, said yes, they would be interested in adopting her. Now you have to understand, they had been told that it was very rare to actually adopt a foster child in these circumstances. But this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how much God has blessed me with in my life. 

My parents started the almost year-long process of adopting me. It was just around my first birthday when I officially began to carry the Barnet name. Because I was eight weeks early and born at a weight of just over three pounds, I was in the NICU for the first five weeks of my life. I had some health complications but as my mom would say, "You were a fighter and a tough girl from day one." My little three-pound, 12 oz. self was only on the ventilator for 24 hours. I was however, born with a heart murmur, caused by a hole in my heart between the two chambers. And as such I had a heart monitor connected to me at all times for the first month or so after I came home from the hospital. My mom says we were startled awake many times because it would go off, especially in the night. Most times it was a false alarm; in fact, only once did it actually show cause for alarm, but I was fine.  For the next two years my life was filled with regularly scheduled appointments for an EKG and ultrasound to monitor the heart issues and murmur. My parents were told that before the age of three I would need open heart surgery to fix the hole in my heart.  My family and all their friends and our church prayed faithfully for it to close. At an ultrasound appointment one day when I was about 18 months old, the doctor said to my mom, "Mrs. Barnet, I will announce to you that the hole has closed."  My mom's response, "I knew it.  We've had people praying," met with the doctor's raised eyebrows.  There was no explanation but that God had healed my heart, He had done a miracle. And He has never stopped showing me how much He loves me. I am walking around today without a huge scar and with proof that God heals. I have never, ever, since that day, ever had any heart issues. No doctors since that day have ever said anything about it, either. All I can say is, how much more proof do you need that God is who He says He is?  I am a living, breathing testimony of what He can do. He has been so faithful and constant.  He has shown His love for me in so many ways, not only healing my heart, but choosing to put me in a Christian home, not in foster care for years, hopping from home to home.

I have always been aware of the fact that I am adopted, as it was always embraced in our home. It was always said in a happy way and always referred to as part of God's plan. I was never ever treated differently and was always and still am looked at as just another birth child. My youngest brother, Josh, who is 10 years older than I am, did and will still to this day take credit for my name, Nicki. My other brother, Zach, who is 12 years older, lives close enough to keep a close eye on any guys who might try to date me and would set them straight if they treated me badly. Josh, however, would only be three hours behind (he lives three hours away) and would also be there to set them straight as well. All that to say they are very protective of me--always have been and always will be. My parents have always made us feel so very important and wanted. We were and still are their life. My mom and dad always made sure we had their attention and love but, most importantly, they always did and do point us back to God.

So, in sum, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has been my rock since day one. It just took me 13 years to see it. His hand is and has been in all of it. My very heart was healed by His strong and powerful hand. So how can I even say I am not loved and so very blessed. This is my story and yet I am not the author.  The one who created me should get all the recognition and glory. He's still at work writing my story and I look forward to all the lives I can touch through my adoption story and through adopting children of my own someday.

Here are a few questions I get a lot:

Have or will you meet or contact your birth parents ?

No, and here's why.  They chose to give me up from birth and I never knew them. I have and still am amazed that my birth mom gave me up. I have yet to have children but I can't imagine being humble enough to give up your baby, knowing that her life would be better with another family. I still do often think of my birth mom and dad, and all I have for them is respect and honor. They did a difficult thing but it is a choice I am thankful for.

Do you ever feel weird or uncomfortable because you're adopted and not a birth child?

Absolutely not, I have never been treated like I am any different or not a birth child. I have always  loved the fact that I am adopted. I do, however, see how some children who have been adopted might feel funny if it was hidden at all from them, which is a sad thing. Adoption should be embraced, not seen as a difference.

Have you ever felt like you didn't fit because you don't share blood or look like your family?

No, in fact my mom and I have, on more than one occasion, been told we look alike. And as far as not sharing blood, no, that is not a big deal either.  My birth certificate says my name is Barnet so no one will ever see it differently. We have a lot of fun with the fact that I am not related by blood.  It opens up the conversation a lot to the adoption story. Also, it's interesting when you go to the doctor.

Is it hard for you to tell the story to people?

Yes and no. I would say yes because I always feel like I am trying to make myself out to be someone special and I'm afraid I sound kinda arrogant. I never ever seek to make anyone feel less than me or like I am above them so, because it is a story about me, I kinda feel like it might seem like that. But no, I love, love, love to tell the story.  It is a huge part of who I am and how I give glory to God and show people how loving God really is.

Have you ever pictured your life with your birth parents?

Well, in my case it would be hard to picture because I have never met them.  But yes, I do occasionally think about how different my life might have looked.  But I really have no idea how it would have been anyway.

A note from my mom:

Nicki asked me to share anything I would like to add about her story and it would be my privilege. What can I say about the limitless grace of God?  People often say we learn the most about God through the trials He takes us through.  That is often true, but I must tell you that I learned more about the depth of God's love and His kindness toward us through this experience than through almost anything else in my life. I prayed for eight years for her, even asking God to take away the desire if it wasn't His will.  His answer to this mama's prayer was so undeserved.  I did nothing to earn it and plenty to not deserve it.  And yet, in His kindness, God placed this precious little girl into our lives.  She has filled our lives with such joy and has taught us much about how to live life to the max.  It has taught me to never give up on any prayer God has placed on my heart until He has slammed the door shut.  It has taught me that God finds great joy in blessing us.  It has taught me that the blessings can sometimes come with struggles but that God will be with us to take us through the struggles and come out victorious (Nicole means 'victorious one').  I could go on and on but this is not my blog.  I will just tell you that I love this daughter of mine as much as if I had given birth to her myself.  I didn't carry her in my womb but I carried her in my heart. I want to finish by honoring Nicki's birth parents, and all birth mothers and fathers who, even though they were unable for whatever reason to care for their child, were still willing to give their child life and then allow people like me, who longed for another child, to raise them and love them.  God truly does 'work all things together for good . . . '

The best shoes ever...

 Ugh been out of commission  for two days with the stomach flu.

        But I am back and ready to share my favorite pair of shoes I own are. These flats I can wear all day and not take them off . They have just enough support for me and the scrunched elastic allows for the fit that makes them so comfy. I like to joke I could even river dance in these shoes (not that I even know how to river dance). They are fantastic go to shoes for spring and summer even into fall and, because of my job as a nanny they are great because I can wear them all day making going outsidehe kids so easy. I also feel so stylish in them I own 5 pairs of them now. I love love love them... they are dexflex comfort from pay less shoes source. I wait for them to go on sale then scoop up a few pairs.  They hold up well to life, even taking on puddles (they do however take on water). But they do deal well with mud and such though. They have a felt like and rubber sole so they have good traction and good spinning ability (yes I have tested this). So comfy so versitle and you don't have to wear the crazy flats socks with them unless you want to. Wonderful shoes for a young mom or for a girl who wants comfy shoes for work that still look great. They do come in many different colors and styles one is bound to appeal to you. Please give them a try you won't be sorry. This is the first kind of flats that I can wear used to try others and they would blister my heels or would just not fit right I had given up on ballet flats altogether till I tried on these babies. And now I can't stop talking about them.

I'm back...

I am ready to daily blog with occasional  YouTube   videos as well. So excited to share my life with you all out there.

      The last few months of my life have been so busy and hectic. Working like crazy, and trying to keep up with friends and family.  My poor fluffy puppy misses me so badly when I am off at work all day. But in all honesty, I wouldn't  trade it for the world working hard is hard but so confidence building. It's exhausting, but strengthening at the same time as well. I love being blessed with the job I have that I love. Being a nanny is so rewarding and so exciting. I wake up every weekday morning saying I am so ready to go to work and see those kids again.

      I also have decided to start a YouTube channel so I can share my singing and some videos with you like beauty blog  and personal blog style videos. 

     I will tell you about the weekend retreat I just got back from hence the picture. hopefully later tonight... 

     So other then working alot my life is pretty crazy. And so very complicated I hope I can uncomplicate it and put it in blog posts. For allof you. 

Who am I ...,

This question threatens to take all you are and all you have away from you, doesn't it? It is the very question that we want no one to ask, especially God. When He asks to see the deepest, darkest part of us, the "who we really are,"we pull away and act like He doesn't already know 'cause it's too much. We don't even want to confess or let anyone see that. 'Cause it's not pretty, it's dirty, its messy, and it scares us. It's where we have shoved the ugly stuff that we don't know how to fix, the stuff that we fear.  That is why we don't have that one desire we really want. We hide all our failures, pain, and maybe even a long-harbored dream that's just so ridiculous we can't have it being seen. So the question I am.asking you is:  what are you hiding in your "who am I "dark spot?

For me its all the failing I have done in my life. Lost friends, relationships that didn't go as planned. The times when I couldn't even stand up straight. The dreams that as a kid and teen seemed viable and worth dreaming, but as an adult they make you laugh or maybe you don't have the time to do them anymore. The darkest thing for me, and I can't believe I am going to say it, has been never feeling worth anything, and the worst thing about it is that I have no reason to feel that way and still I do. I have an amazing family I have a lot of good friends. I have a warm house, I have a job, a car, a dog. But still my biggest fear is that I am not enough and if they see how scared I am, they will see that I have the heart of a porcelain doll. Then they will  run away or pull away from me without looking back. And what's worse is, I feel like it's always my fault when they walk away. 

If you look at all my insecurities, they all start with that "who am I? " question. When I hear those words, all I can feel and see is my face going white and my heart beating so fast. It's akin to hearing the words, "we need to talk" from your crush.  Instant panic takes over and you can't really breathe.  You're there but your heart is like, uh oh, he's not into me, I knew it. Here we go again. Another guy saw the dark.  The "who am I? " is answered, he knows. He saw it.   I am faking this.  I am not good enough.  Might as well go wipe off the makeup.  The sweats go on and we pull the hair up in a messy ponytail . We think, "I have been found out." Another person sees the darkness. And my 'worth'?  Well, he found out I have none. And we look at that face in the mirror that's been buried in our hands, crying for awhile. And all we see is the "who am I" answer its on our sleeve. It was discovered by someone else and they ran. Why shouldn't they run?  It scares me, too.

Or it's the friend--we all have one--who seems to pull out of you that one thing you don't want to talk about. You're sitting there chatting about your lives over coffee and all of a sudden she asks, "How are you?"   Now girls, we all know this friend. They ask this question and look at us in a way that makes us go, "um..."  In your head you're going, "I have two choices here.  I can answer and say 'I am great'. Or I can let it all out, but I don't wanna go there."  You panic 'cause you can't really get away from the subject without that "who am I" question.  It's back and it's staring at you. Its here in your face making you scared and ready to cry 'cause it's so ugly. You want to be brave and tell her you're not OK and share your heart, still being cautious  and not letting the darkness out.

The last place you want the "who am I?" question? You're praying and you're saying how much you love Him. You're telling Him about how amazed you are by Him and how many blessings you see, along with the list of things that your heart is yearning for. You're about to say 'Amen' and you feel the tug of the Spirit.  He's whispering, "Child, let me into the darkness." I have already covered that with My blood.  Why are you hiding it?  Your heart is yelling, "No, Lord, I don't think You do," knowing this whole time that He is right and He has forgiven and covered it all. You reluctantly pull back the curtain and let Him in and you think, now what?  Is He going to leave me here in the darkness?  But all you feel is the Father whispering, "Child, I know. I saw this. I saw it even before you were alive. I know every failure and the pain, the feelings of worthlessness. I am here always, my beautiful daughter."

Finally, you're there in tears saying, "Lord, why?  How do you see past all of this? Why do You love me? Why me?  I don't deserve You.  I have done nothing worth mentioning.  I fail every day, I do things that are against You. Why did You die for me?  I'm scared, Lord.  I have nothing to give You but this heart of broken pieces.  Are you sure you want me?  Others seem to run away with just a glimpse. You've seen it all." And all He says is,  "I created you, child. I know all of this. You are worth it to Me.  It is finished."

So, my dear young ladies, you can stand up and answer with confidence, "Who am I?  I am a child of God!  I am forgiven!  I am a daughter of the King!  I am beautiful and captivating to the Lord of Lords. I am chosen!  I am His, and He is mine!  I am worth dying for!  I am worth it!

Ladies, go find a mirror and say all these things and let the tears flow and let the words wash the darkness  away.

Social Links ~

I am getting all kinds of social with all of you...

Twitter:
https://twitter.com/GracefulJoy01

Facebook Page:
https://www.facebook.com/GracefulJoy123

Tumblr:
http://gracefuljoy.tumblr.com/

Whoot I am excited Check them out !!~

And the mountain keeps getting steeper...

      Ladies, life is kinda rough right now.  I don't know how I am standing upright right now.  I know this is all a part of His plan, but right now it is a valley.  Thankfully I can still see the light way up there. So I will press on until I am standing at the top looking down . Something I really wanted slipped out of my fingers. I asked God to make His will clear and he did. Unfortunately this included giving up the one thing I have been wanting for months. But where God has shown you clear direction, you will never fail with God still there.

     God has a great plan for me and I know this but frankly I am a bit battered right now.  I know God will bring me out of this stronger. But ladies always know that God is always capable of doing anything so never lose your faith in Him.
As has been painfully clear to me in the recent months. And trusting Him will never be a wrong choice. But I know the fear of truly trusting God with that one thing that you really want. Especially when you know that means that he might choose to take it from you. Which will hurt but remember God's character he only does things that hurt to mold and shape us into the person that's more like Him. But it hurts like crazy sometimes even when you know that God has it under control. Just know that God will never walk away from you.

     The sum of what I am saying is that God is the one that will never dissapointed and or fail you ever no matter what you do or say. If you are His child he's holding you in His all powerful hand. So please pray for me that God will keep my head up and will help me have power over the lies Satan is trying to put in my brain.

The trees covered in snow... In October??? :(

Quote in picture. Picture Taken on my Phone!! 

      This word was mentioned already makes me want to cry. Snow the one word me and every other person in Wisconsin hate hearing before at least November.  Last year's really cold and long winter we are dreading it even more.

    

     So this morning during a Prayer time more like me sobbing at Jesus's feet. Woke up feeling like my life is fine, then about half an hour later feeling like I want to go back to bed. Fellow ladies know what I am saying, don't you? I was praying about my life and a situation that has been so heavy on my mind as of late. I was finally able to just pour it out. I have brought this situation before the throne so many times and it felt again like God wasn't going to answer me.  All the sudden, God spoke to me and I will tell you for a min. I sat there stunned and all I could say was woah, Lord. After I was able to speak again, I said thanks Lord I needed that. I am always so humbled when I feel like God answers my prayer even when all I think I do is whine and complain. The quote below came to mind. 

 

Quote found here

     I've started writing a verse on my wrist every day... Let me tell you I have memorized a few already. This is from the girl who never liked the idea of writing on herself now loves it. But to be fair this seems like a good enough reason to write on myself.  Mondays verse is stuck in there Proverbs 19:2 - Desire without knowledge is not good- how much more will hasty feet miss the way. This verse speaks to me about when God asks us to wait for the things we would give anything to have right at this moment. I think I am starting to get through my human brain that His timing is the best. And, how true are the words in this verse. The way I interpret this verse is if you desire something and don't know much about it then you may step in the wrong direction so perhaps sometimes the fact that God slows you down is to help you not miss His best. 

Speaking of God's best. Picked up this book and study guide today because I wanted to do a study again. 

It looks so good!!~ I will update you on how good it is soon enough. 

Lysa Terkeurst The Best Yes The Bible in this Picture Goes with me everywhere it is so beat up. But it is my favorite one it has all my marks and notes. And It fits in my purse ;) 

    So my Lovely young Ladies out there please keep your head up God is still right there. The storms of life will never go away all the way but God is your lifeguard... Keep drinking the Coffee and Living for the one who Died for you. 

     I know its already October But I am going to do a September favorites post. I love seeing those posts. hope you guys do too.