Unredeemed by Selah Cover ~

Thankfulness and Cheer...

Sitting here halfway between Thanksgiving and Christmas day. A few thoughts from my heart today. 

       Thanksgiving is a man made and an oh so blessed day of remembrance and thankful hearts. We eat a ton of Food, and we eat a pie all by yourself and vow to run on Friday to work it off. Most of us are thankful for family and loved ones. Some are missing loved ones who have passed away. Some are alone,some are as blessed as they can be. Some are praying for better times to come. And some are just enjoying the life in front of their eyes. Children running around with no worries, parents trying to avoid a sugar high and a hectic ride home Adults talking and laughing with a few memories of years ago. The young adults trying to take in all the wisdom and hear all the caution  in some hard times being reminisced about. Games and holiday football games fill the air. Thanksgiving is so blessed and good. But my favorite holiday is still Christmas and here's why...

      Its the second most life changing day in history. The birth of my Creator's Son. The day the world went from hopeless to saved and redeemed.  The Trinity was complete, Jesus had sent his greatest gift to the world. His Son whom he already knew the years of his life and the moment he would ask him to die for not one, not some, but ever man, women, child unborn and living. From the start of the world till he calls us home. My heart yearns more and more for the moment I will see my Saviors face. Pain and darkness feel so looming, and destruction is all around Satan's gripping so many souls . Some days I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness, and some I just see pain, bitterness and hardheartedness. I shed so many tears for those who are alone and sad this happy time of year. But if I am honest I have my lonely moments as well especially this time of year. The word single seems to grow wings and hover over almost every blessed moment.

    But on Christmas or the days surrounding that day my heart feels a turn towards the Cross and the Manger. I re-read the almost memorized story from my bible of His birth. Always thinking I know every detail,so what's the point. But every year,some new aspect seems to worm its way into my heart and settle me into a wonderfully happy place. I watch the snow and notice how calm and pretty the trees look in a blanket of white. I drive up the mountain near my house and stand atop it looking at the fields, trees, streets and houses below. Taking in the beauty of His creation. There are still moments where I grumble about the snow and as I am chipping ice off my car I say I hate winter. Words which I take back every time I see a young child take in their first snow fall. It knocks the cold out of my heart and I'm right back at 2 with that child, watching their eyes in wonder and amazement at this simple yet special thing we get to enjoy. I love reverting back to five-year's old sledding down a hill or going to get the tree.  I again see my father's hand letting the snow be the special thing it's meant to be. And some days I even say as I step outside into the bitter Wisconsin air. Why, Why, do I choose to live in the state that gets the nickname "frozen tundra" and for a good reason may I add. I mean one day it can be 45 and the next its maybe 20 and snowflakes are falling. So this season I am looking at the Bible and God for my hope and peace. And choosing  to see the world through nature and the beauty of Christmas through a childlike and honest way.



My point is, take in all the moments from pie eating, to sleeping by the tree. Rolling past houses with lights, throw a few snowballs and be 5. Give away joy and love freely. And worship the heavenly King that came oh so sweetly many years ago. Wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!  Memories With God in your corner you will make it through whatever you are going through. Just hang on to hope and leave the pain at Jesus's feet. Gods hand can handle the broken pieces. Just trust Him. Even the most lonely of hearts can be filled with a hope and light if you choose to see it like that. God has good plans for you so dear ones let your heart ache and cry tears in the hard moments and laugh in the good ones. Life will try to tear the happiness of  the season. Satan will seek to rip all the remaining fun from the holidays. Single or not you are a part of this world and the very God who created the baby in the manger. Created you as well, that's a love beyond what we can even grasp. This season God and I are understanding each other better. Single will not define my Christmas no matter how much it wants to. Merry Christmas to all of you! May God be with you today and everyday!

My second awakening...

I just want to say first that this post is going to be a tough one to write... not many people know this story. More like, no one knows this whole story. It's not my proudest time in my life. It's a story of how God got me to my rock bottom. It all started with graduating high school.  I had zero friends.  I am not saying I had a few 'kind of' friends. I am talking zero friends.  Then, in the coming weeks, I started getting chronic stomach aches. The stomach aches started causing weight loss and I didn't want to eat. I was actually afraid to eat. I had no need to get out of bed. I truly was afraid to get out of bed, fearing I'd make a bigger mess of my life, whatever life that was.  I was working a few hours a week, taking care of children. It's one of the only things that got me out of bed. It was such a blessing. I am pretty sure without it I would have gone into a deeper depression. I would wake up and just stare at the sky out my window and cry. I felt so worthless and alone. I had nothing in me and God was just a pal. I'd had Him around since I was 11. He was my buddy. I didn't need to lean on Him. I had this under control, even though deep down I knew something had to change. I am a master at the plastered genuine smile when life sucks. I can still put on a happy 'I am just fine' smile. People rarely catch on to the fact that I am dying underneath. It's a blessing and a curse, really. One night, I wasn't sleeping because my stomach was hurting so bad and my body was weak from not eating. My Bible cover had gathered dust. I was so sad and I didn't want to be told I needed that book. I would look at it and feel so guilty, afraid, alone, and so fallen. The thought of reading it felt archaic and pointless. The pain wouldn't stop, I wasn't sleeping, my tears and mind came to the conclusion that I was worthless and why was I still breathing? I mean, really, why? What was I doing ? Would anyone care if I wasn't breathing? I knew my family would but was that enough? I almost didn't care. Something deep inside me whispered, "Child, I'm here!" This thought settled my heart enough that I fell asleep. The next morning I opened my eyes and still felt the same, no change. That Bible still gathered dust. My tears still ran. My stomach still hurt. My weight still dropped. I still thought I could do this alone. I mean, it couldn't get worse, could it? Really, what more could happen? I didn't think it could or would.  And while it didn't get worse, it was getting more serious. My weight was sitting at 99 pounds. I was so weak and scary thin. I knew something had to change. I just was so overwhelmed. I had nothing left.  That night I had ended up on the basement floor in a ball with a blanket, tears flowing, and all I could say is, "I've got nothing left." My stomach still hurt. We had gone to the doctor, drawn blood, done labs. Nothing, no medical reason for the physical pain. I had no future planned. Didn't have the littlest idea of how I was going to do this. I was sitting in that ball in the dark. All I really could say was, "I am so cold, alone, scared, skinny and I have nothing left." Then I heard that voice in my head again that said, "Child, I'm here!" And this time I answered.  All I could say was, "Why, God, why? Why am I in this place? I didn't ask for this. I have nothing left." With tears streaming down my cheeks, I said, "Lord, please take this pain away from me," hoping and praying it would all just poof, go away. It didn't. My reality was still me in the basement on the floor in the dark. I wanted to be mad at God. But instead, all  I could feel was a calm and His warm, presence and I couldn't say anything. All I knew is my Lord was right there with me. He still cared and I had no clue why. I thought I was too far gone, out of God's reach. I had fallen too far, or so I thought. But the warmth around me spoke a different story. It said, "Child,I'm here!" He was there in the basement, He came into my mess. His presence spoke of hope and faith and the words I needed to hear. I knew in those moments that I was going to make it through this.

A Simpler Life ~

      As I am writing,Automatic by Miranda Lambert is playing and it inspired today's thoughts. Its one of those days where I keep thinking about how life gets so hectic. I love slow days where all I have to do is whatever I want to do.  But let's be honest here, how often do those days happen? Sadly, being an adult doesn't allow for days like that very often. Work, children, errands, working out, and the list goes on and on. And it seems to be that the older I get, the  more to-do's trickle their way into my life.  Technology screams for my attention.  My phone gets more and more essential to life. I joke that l'd be a mess without my phone when, in all reality, it's pretty true.  That little pocket-sized device has a way of sending me into a panic if it goes missing or runs out of battery.  I  communicate in texts and Facebook messages. I am not a big phone-call girl. I don't talk on the phone much at all. But I do like my messaging.  Seems like everything has to be instant. We get frustrated if someone doesn't have an answer and we have to look it up right away. Instagram and Twitter show our life in little snippets of time.

So today I'm thinking about the 'good old days.' When, I think of being a kid and we had VHS and corded phones and when we got a cordless phone, we felt fancy. Dial-up internet--oh my, slowest thing ever, right? Not being able to connect to the internet because  someone is on the phone. A 90's kid with her portable CD player, headphones, and roller blades. Thought I was the coolest kid ever. Cassette tape decks in every car, CD player if you had a new fancy car. Radio was just your local stations. Hoping your favorite radio station would work till you got wherever you were going. Hills and tall buildings stunk for radio. We had tube TVs and eventually  satellite but no DVRs. Weather was looking at the sky or watching the local news, or turning on the radio or watching the weather channel, waiting for the local weather. No cell phones.  If you were away from home, no one could call you. Amazingly, we survived just fine. Pink notepad and pen by the phone for taking messages for someone else. If they weren't there when someone called for them, and you happened to answer it. Waiting all day to sit down and watch your favorite show on TV, at the time it was on. If you missed it, hoping a rerun would be on someday so you could see it. Video game controllers with cords and having to sit on the floor because the cord didn't reach the couch. Video game cartridges, blowing on them when they didn't work to get dust off so you could play them. Summer meant playing outside and using our imaginations, with the occasional rainy-day TV day. I may or may not have watched Snow White so many times I wore out the tape. Yes, you could wear out VHS or cassette tapes. The panic over a broken or unrolled tape, hoping the break or crinkle in the tape wouldn't disrupt the movie too much. Splicing the tape back together, hoping it wouldn't get stuck in the VCR or tape deck. The only cellphones were head sized and antennas like a beacon. They were not very good and reception sucked. We waited days for mail and letters in the mail were like a mini gift. Disposable cameras and film cameras and getting them developed. Paper pictures in your hands or in albums. Life as a kid even for me seemed so simple electronics hadn't taken over yet.

I find myself dreaming and yearning for a simpler time.  I think about how my parents grew up with a lot less. Seeing the people they are today makes me think that maybe less really is better. They were by no means rich, money wise.  My grandparents worked long, hard days providing for their children. My parents grew up with chores such as milking cows in the early morning and right after dinnertime. They talk about the farm and milking cows and plowing fields and making hay. I find myself wanting to be on a farm--less stuff, hard work, an old house with lots of land. I have always been a country girl at heart who happened to grow up in a small town--a city girl, dreaming of no street lights, a barn, a yard that's big enough to have a garden as big as I want. A yard that a dog can run around for hours on. I want goats and chickens, and the wide open space, a life that is simpler and slower. I want my children someday to see how my grandparents and parents lived life. I want a modern life with a nod to the old days which were good times. My mom talks about her family singing around their piano.  My dad talks of shenanigans in the barn and hay mow. Their houses were full of life and love. I find myself wanting my children to have a home with hard work, life, love and singing. I might have grown up in town, but my parents somehow still instilled in us a simple, country-like mindset. Appreciating what we have and remembering the hard work that it took to have what we have. My daddy worked hard and yet he still made it to all of our games and special events. He is the biggest inspiration of what a godly man should look like and be. My brothers both learned well from him. We didn't have much money but we were rich because we had love and faith. We knew that no matter what, we had and still do have, each other.

       We fell in love with God and our faith grew. Sunday mornings before church would find my dad playing guitar and singing hymns and other worships songs. You could hear singing coming from all corners of our house. Singing was a part of our lifestyle. We all caught the music bug. Our house was never quiet.  It was filled  with laughter and questions about life and, once in awhile, tears. My parents never made us afraid to ask anything. We always asked any questions we had. God was a daily part of my childhood.  He was a part of everything my parents did and still do. We asked questions and figured out our own faith. They taught us that God was powerful and His love was and is unfailing, but that we still  had to seek Him with our own hearts and lives to really have a real understanding of God. We made God our own, and our faith was our own.  My parents took us to church. but church was more than a building growing up. It was my second home. My parents were very involved in the music and other ministries in church. My friends were all in our church. Our church was a big family.

All in all, my point is that even though we have all these new electronics and technology races forward, don't forget what makes life great. Simple is better and it's just as good as being rich. Find your joy in God and family and love and you will be rich.


https://youtu.be/TVYLN4_IZgcAutomatic

James 1:1-4

Grab some coffee or tea and here we go...

The first verse of the chapter might seem pretty simple, telling you who James is and who he is speaking to.
That is what I thought as well, until I looked it up in a commentary.  Then my mind changed. It is a much deeper verse than it seems at first. Here is the first commentary note on it. There are two more notes but this one caught my eye the  most. Please, by all means, take a look at the other notes. So interesting.

(commentary info taken from Bible Gateway and it's the Matthew Henry's commentary)
Verse 1 ~  James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,

To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations:  Greetings.

I. The character by which our author desires to be known: James, a servant of God, and of the Lord Jesus Christ. Though he was a prime-minister in Christ’s kingdom, yet he styles himself only a servant. Note hence, Those who are highest in office or attainments in the church of Christ are but servants. They should not therefore act as masters, but as ministers. Further, Though James is called by the evangelist the brother of our Lord, yet it was his glory to serve Christ in the spirit, rather than to boast of his being akin according to the flesh. Hence let us learn to prize this title above all others in the world—the servants of God and of Christ. Again, it is to be observed that James professes himself a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ; to teach us that in all services we should have an eye to the Son as well as the Father. We cannot acceptably serve the Father, unless we are also servants of the Son. God will have all men to honour the Son as they honour the Father (John 5:23), looking for acceptance in Christ and assistance from him, and yielding all obedience to him, thus confessing that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

The biggest reason this one caught my eye was because James was at a high rank in the eyes of God but still wanted to be addressed as a "servant". Before reading the commentary I would have never realized this fact. Another note for verse 1 is that he says not only is he a servant of God but also of the Lord Jesus Christ. Seemed a little redundant as I read it the first time or two but then after you read the commentary notes, you see that God and the Lord Jesus Christ are both mentioned because, as the commentary says, "we cannot acceptably serve the Father, unless we are servants of the Son."  OK, that makes me go whoa, a little. Basically, here then he is saying not only am I servant of God but I also follow and serve the Lord Jesus Christ. The importance of understanding the trinity is clear here. You can't have one without the others; they are all one. Powerful message in half a verse. The other half of verse one is pretty self explanatory. It is written to the the twelve tribes. It does mention however that the tribes are scattered among nations. But makes sense over time that the tribes naturally moved around. 

Verse 2 ~ Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

Now lets just start by saying, how many of us see a trial in our life and immediately react with joy?  No,  that does not happen.  Many times we react with our flesh rather than respond with our spirit to trials. I'll bet that every single one of us would love if our reaction was in fact joy when we face trials. If you're like me, your reaction is more likely one of "why" or "no", or, if I am honest, one of anger or resentment at first. Then usually, after awhile,  when I have resigned myself to the fact that it is God who has put a trial in my path, my heart goes to a more submissive or even desperate place.  After that phase I eventually find my way to the final stage and preferred response which, lets face it, happens at the end of the trial, or sometimes even after, of joy and thankfulness or of realizing the growth that was obtained through the trial.  Sigh.  I see how much work God still has to do in me to get my reaction to be joy. My friends, it's so important to remember that our Father knows it all and is right there in the midst of our trials.  He has seen it all. And also keep in mind that he 'works all things together for the good of those who love Him'. The last part of verse 2 I like because it specifies that there will be trials of many kinds. That has a calming effect on my heart reading that. It reminds my heart that God already knows the trials we will face and in this phrase he acknowledges this. 

Verse 3 ~ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance

This verse conveys a different idea entirely because it talks about not only faith but also testing your faith. Faith can be such a touchy thing because we feel so unsure of even what faith is.  We struggle with if we have enough of it. We read the verse that says "if you have faith of a mustard seed". Have you ever seen a mustard seed?  It's so tiny. This reminds me of something I heard someone say once, "You don't need big faith in God, you just need faith in a big God."  We know how faithful God is and has been, not only in the stories we read in the Bible, but I hope also in our own lives. I know He has been so faithful in my life that I can't not give Him credit. So my dear ones, how can we not have faith in the One that gave His life for us? 

Secondly, in that same phrase, he mentions that this testing produces perseverance.   Perseverance seems like its a big word with scary ramifications. Let's look at the word:

    per·se·ver·ance - noun steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving      success. (from Google) 

What does it take to have perseverance then ? Going through some trials perhaps. Huh... Amazing how we are right back where this verse started. Perseverance wouldn't happen if life was always easy and always worked out the way we wanted it to. And where would our faith be?  Well, we wouldn't need it.  The biggest thing I see here is that we also wouldn't need to reach out to our Savior if we didn't have trials to persevere through or we also wouldn't need faith. Ah, so cool to me how every verse of the Bible leads us back to our Father in some way.  No way around it.   

Verse 4 ~ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

This verse is pretty full of information.

(Commentary taken from Bible Gateway Matthew Henry's Commentary)
(2.) We must let it have its perfect work. Do nothing to limit it nor to weaken it; but let it have its full scope: if one affliction come upon the heels of another, and a train of them are drawn upon us, yet let patience go on till its work is perfected. When we bear all that God appoints, and as long as he appoints, and with a humble obedient eye to him, and when we not only bear troubles, but rejoice in them, then patience hath its perfect work. (3.) When the work of patience is complete, then the Christian is entire, and nothing will be wanting: it will furnish us with all that is necessary for our Christian race and warfare, and will enable us to persevere to the end, and then its work will be ended, and crowned with glory. After we have abounded in other graces, we have need of patience, Heb. 10:36. But let patience have its perfect work, and we shall be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

This commentary describes it well but also really makes me want to hide. I mean, some of that is a tough pill to swallow. Essentially I read that and go, "I am done for."  I mean, how many times have I tried to fight God's work in me?  I don't want to even admit how many times.  It is so tough to enter a hard time and have your first thought be, 'oh good.' Wish it was, but we have to remember God knows this. He knows our weaknesses. He created us,  right?  Nothing is out of His hands or reach.  Persevering through tough stuff makes us more like Him if we let Him. Perhaps we don't dance with joy when see trials. But what if we let God do His will through it with open hands and a humble heart? He knows how hard it is. Let us remember he said "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" He knows how it feels to have to do something when you're feeling alone. He was dying for us, the ones who put Him there, and he felt like God had left Him. Although He knew God hadn't abandoned him, He still felt it. So even though we feel alone, we can have faith that God's hand is still there and He's still guiding us. 

Who doesn't want to be  'mature and complete, not lacking in anything?"  I know that I do for sure.  How much stuff would you go through to hear the words,  "you're mature?"  A lot, even to hear it from the ones we love, right? So how much are you willing to go through or endure to hear the words "well done, good and faithful servant?" Let us bring ourselves back to the first verse of the chapter where it says "James, a servant of God and the Savior Jesus Christ," He had considered himself a servant but, in all reality, he could have been called an important leader.  He chose the humbled name, feeling like it was more fitting. Someday I hope I can be humble enough to even obtain the title of servant. The only place where we will be mature and complete, not lacking in anything is when we are standing in front of our Father with no leg to stand on. On the ground with no words to even say. All He asks of us is to go through the trials He has designed for us by leaning on Him.  My work is cut out for me. A ton of humbling and persevering is needed to get this heart ready to serve Him. 

Oh my goodness, my heart is so overwhelmed with all I have learned in these few verses. I really pray that it touches you as well. 

Expectations and life...

         

            Expectations, sometimes I seem to forget what this word even really means. It means to essentially have an idea or plan of how something should go. Or even how a person should react to a situation or even to something that is said. Seems logical enough, right?  I say I'm sad! and the expectation of the person I am communicating with. Would be one of equal sadness, or at least of feeling my sadness. Asking questions like Why are you sad ? What's making you sad? What's wrong? They seem valid and realistic and some people will reach that  particular expectation. But, is it then horrible and unfair if they don't have that reaction or ask those questions. Is it fair for you to want everyone you know to react like your expectations?

            Is it fair to place our expectations on other humans. The only one where expectations will always be met is with God. He will always hear us out and be there always. There are many verses in the bible that touch on people failing you. And goodness some days I sure feel the weight of that one full force. Some expectations are normal and even good. I expect my dog to let me know when he has to go outside to pee. And not to just pee in the house somewhere. He's been trained to do so, right? So, my expectation is one that is fair and should be accomplished without fault. But what happens if I do step into a yellow puddle somewhere do I get rid of my dog? No, of course not that would be silly. You clean it up and move on. So there are some expectations that are good and even helpful. There is however a line where expectations get dangerous to ourselves and all of our relationships.

          I personally think everyone has their own line to find with God's leading. Just what expectations are benefiting or not to them.  What do I mean by dangerous to yourself?
What, I'm referring to there is the expectations that are lofty or are not essential to reality. Example : I expect this person I am friends with to buy me a gift for my birthday. Perhaps, I have even dropped hints to that friend about a gift or that my birthday is coming soon ...wink wink. The day comes and your friend shows up no gift no bag no present at all. You tell yourself it's ok but deep down it stings you really thought they cared enough for you. Then your mind starts doubting your friendship with that person and how much you mean to them. Now, just think if you had gone into that situation with gratitude, and contentment with your friend taking time to meet with you. Realizing that perhaps that can mean more than a gift ever would. It's so hard to be grateful in this day and age. We are told, more expectations will fix it. And it runs all the way down to what we expect from others. Ask yourself this question,next time you start to expect something of someone or of a situation. Ask, Can I be ok emotionally if this person/situation turns out differently then in my head ? If the answer is yes then you go right ahead thinking like that. If not, then take a step back and reevaluate why or how you can change your expectations to deal with it properly. It's hard, and I am far from done working on it. In fact short of heaven I don't know if I will be able to be done working on it. I have found when I started to realize that perhaps the expectations. That, I had were ruining my enjoyment of many situations and moments. I started to realize something had to change. I found myself smack in the middle of an issue that was robbing me of alot of Joy and appreciation. When I finally narrowed it down to expectations. I could start to fix the pattern of expectation and letdown. It's a lot more fun, and glorifying to God, going into a situation going God your will be done here. And let it all pan out and being happy and taking in every second. Life is only so long don't let failed expectations drag you down. God has big plans for you don't let anyone or anything steal that from you.

The Second Awakening -

Time for this girl to be oh so honest with you all out there...
God and I have been a bit rocky as of late. I am a very stubborn and determined person. I kinda always think I know the best choice, and I tend to tell God what I think would be a good thing to do. And I also like to tell Him when He should make it happen. Then, when I don't see it happen when or how I want, well, then I just pout and get mad. Some things make me revert to the little kid and I say, "God, happiness was right there. Why did you have to go and not let me have that?" Some days God just stays silent and lets me pout and some days He decides to show me He's still bigger.

      My favorite thing to say is, "God, I want this so bad and you took it away." Let's do a little compare and contrast here.  What do I have to bring to the table... nothing. God, well He has ... everything. In fact, He not only has everything but He even has control over all of it. My selfish and desiring heart goes oh please sure you do have everything and you can do anything. But do you really see this thing I want is that too much to ask for huh. I wish I could say I don't get sassy and know it all with God but oh honey... some days I go all out child and tantrum with God. And yet the amazing thing is God just waits there and keeps saying I am right here, ready child. I fight scream and cry saying all the while I got this God. But sooner or later I always end up in a pile on the floor once the world crashes in on me. All God does is says "I am right here child".  And all I can do is cry and say Lord look at this mess. Lord I can't fix this I messed up too much it's swallowing me whole. Choices get so hard when we try to do it on our own. Each time I tantrum it gets easier to get to the I got nothing moment but goodness it still takes too long.

Once I get to the, " I got nothing" and my heart returns to the humbled and submissive place. Then suddenly the stressed out and I can't do this now becomes. I am strong and courageous and I can take on anything with God by my side. My Heart gets back in the right hands and I no longer feel like a child. I have my feet on the ground and I can breath in the peace that comes from knowing I can't fix it and change anything. Which means I shouldn't need to feel like I have to hold it so close, my white-knuckled fingers around that one thing. The best part is I go back to the girl that wants to be the daughter that God can point to and say that's my girl. God wants only the best for us. His character is where your heart can always rest. My heart wants so many things. And I might never get all of the things that I want but, God loves to let blessings filter out of his hands even when we are too unfocused to see the rain drops of blessings. It may be a smile from a stranger when you've about had it. It might be you getting to bless someone else with a smile. Then there are the big raindrops like a new car or enough money to put a down payment on a house.


     So in the end all I can do is say Lord you know my heart and my desires. Do I still have desires that I want so bad it really does ache oh, yes. I have however learned to just keep saying Lord I know you know what I want and how much I want it but your Will over mine. Now there seems to always be one desire that I still grip on to so tight. God will say that one desire... give it to me I can handle it. I always start by going,oh that one ummm... and hide it behind my back going oh that I  have that under control. I mean I'd give it to you but I think your going to take it or change it. Or maybe make me wait for it and Lord I don't want to wait for it. Till finally I go here Lord hand out and going ok take it one eye shut the other watching that desire. I am so scared to let it loose and just trust. Ah that word... Trust I have a lot of walls around me so I don't let many in past arms length because so many I have let it have hurt me. I seem to translate this to God and that is not healthy but it's where I am at. My trust issues are from so long ago I with I could tell you how they got there. All I know, is that I will let a lot of people into my life but few get to see my heart. They also do not know my real struggles. If they do know them they don't know all of them or the depth of them. So, if I have been transparent with you a lot I do in fact trust you.


In closing, oh dear ones out there please let God take all your struggles to Him he wants them. Even though its hard to believe and understand why he wants to take all my mess upon himself. Have hope and faith that even when everything is pointing to no in a situation God can still make it a yes. He will always be the one that can do anything. So all of you out there saying "I got nothing". Let God say " it's ok child, I have everything" Get away from the world and let the one who created it, have all of it. He's big enough to take anything you can say or feel. So child, let it all out in His presence tell Him all of it and let Him be God.


Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord  Psalm 27:14 (NIV)