The Second Awakening -

Time for this girl to be oh so honest with you all out there...
God and I have been a bit rocky as of late. I am a very stubborn and determined person. I kinda always think I know the best choice, and I tend to tell God what I think would be a good thing to do. And I also like to tell Him when He should make it happen. Then, when I don't see it happen when or how I want, well, then I just pout and get mad. Some things make me revert to the little kid and I say, "God, happiness was right there. Why did you have to go and not let me have that?" Some days God just stays silent and lets me pout and some days He decides to show me He's still bigger.

      My favorite thing to say is, "God, I want this so bad and you took it away." Let's do a little compare and contrast here.  What do I have to bring to the table... nothing. God, well He has ... everything. In fact, He not only has everything but He even has control over all of it. My selfish and desiring heart goes oh please sure you do have everything and you can do anything. But do you really see this thing I want is that too much to ask for huh. I wish I could say I don't get sassy and know it all with God but oh honey... some days I go all out child and tantrum with God. And yet the amazing thing is God just waits there and keeps saying I am right here, ready child. I fight scream and cry saying all the while I got this God. But sooner or later I always end up in a pile on the floor once the world crashes in on me. All God does is says "I am right here child".  And all I can do is cry and say Lord look at this mess. Lord I can't fix this I messed up too much it's swallowing me whole. Choices get so hard when we try to do it on our own. Each time I tantrum it gets easier to get to the I got nothing moment but goodness it still takes too long.

Once I get to the, " I got nothing" and my heart returns to the humbled and submissive place. Then suddenly the stressed out and I can't do this now becomes. I am strong and courageous and I can take on anything with God by my side. My Heart gets back in the right hands and I no longer feel like a child. I have my feet on the ground and I can breath in the peace that comes from knowing I can't fix it and change anything. Which means I shouldn't need to feel like I have to hold it so close, my white-knuckled fingers around that one thing. The best part is I go back to the girl that wants to be the daughter that God can point to and say that's my girl. God wants only the best for us. His character is where your heart can always rest. My heart wants so many things. And I might never get all of the things that I want but, God loves to let blessings filter out of his hands even when we are too unfocused to see the rain drops of blessings. It may be a smile from a stranger when you've about had it. It might be you getting to bless someone else with a smile. Then there are the big raindrops like a new car or enough money to put a down payment on a house.


     So in the end all I can do is say Lord you know my heart and my desires. Do I still have desires that I want so bad it really does ache oh, yes. I have however learned to just keep saying Lord I know you know what I want and how much I want it but your Will over mine. Now there seems to always be one desire that I still grip on to so tight. God will say that one desire... give it to me I can handle it. I always start by going,oh that one ummm... and hide it behind my back going oh that I  have that under control. I mean I'd give it to you but I think your going to take it or change it. Or maybe make me wait for it and Lord I don't want to wait for it. Till finally I go here Lord hand out and going ok take it one eye shut the other watching that desire. I am so scared to let it loose and just trust. Ah that word... Trust I have a lot of walls around me so I don't let many in past arms length because so many I have let it have hurt me. I seem to translate this to God and that is not healthy but it's where I am at. My trust issues are from so long ago I with I could tell you how they got there. All I know, is that I will let a lot of people into my life but few get to see my heart. They also do not know my real struggles. If they do know them they don't know all of them or the depth of them. So, if I have been transparent with you a lot I do in fact trust you.


In closing, oh dear ones out there please let God take all your struggles to Him he wants them. Even though its hard to believe and understand why he wants to take all my mess upon himself. Have hope and faith that even when everything is pointing to no in a situation God can still make it a yes. He will always be the one that can do anything. So all of you out there saying "I got nothing". Let God say " it's ok child, I have everything" Get away from the world and let the one who created it, have all of it. He's big enough to take anything you can say or feel. So child, let it all out in His presence tell Him all of it and let Him be God.


Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord  Psalm 27:14 (NIV)